Freedom of Speech Forum

ha ha ha ha ha ha, that was pretty good Patrick

A little boy was in his room playing with himself when his dad walked in.
"Son," said the dad, "if you keep masturbating, you're going to go blind."
"Uh, dad," responded the boy, "I'm over here."

A man went into a restaurant and ordered a meal.  When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her tumb stuck in it.  This upset him, but he let it go.  She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food.  Again, he let it go.  When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was stuck in the fudge and this was too much for him to take.
"Goddammit,!" said the man, "get your thumb out of my food!"
"Well I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man asked angerly.
The waitress shrugged.  "That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

A man is in his bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.  He rolls over and looks at the clock... It's half past three in the morning.

I'm not getting out of bed at this hour, he thinks, and rolls over.  Then a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.  So the guy drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door to find a man standing there.  It didn't take the homeowner long to notice the stranger was drunk.  "Hi there," slurs the man.  "Can you give me a push?"

"No!  Get lost!  It's three-thrity!  I was  bed!" says the homeowner, and slams the door.  He goes back upstairs and tells his wife what had transpired.

The wife says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.  Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the babysitter?  You had to go up to that house and ask for a push.  What if that man had said no?"

The husband thaought about that.  "Yeah, you're right."  So he goes back downstairs and opens the door, but the stranger is nowhere in sight, so he yells out, "Hey!  You still here?"

A voice comes back from the dark.  "Yeah... I'm out here."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yeah... Please!"

"Okay, where are you?"

"Over here on the swingset."

A man, who's drunkedness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave the bar and fell flat on his face.  "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," he thought, as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it!"  "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep, asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?"

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.  "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

There once was a scientist who studied frogs.  One day, the scientist put a frog on the ground and told it to jump.  The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four legs jumps four feet."

The scientist cut off one of the frogs legs and told the frog to jump.  The frog jumps three feet.  The scientist wrote in his book, "Frog with three legs jumps three feet."

So he cuts off another leg.  He told the frog to jump.  This time, the frog jumps two feet.  The scientist writes in his book, "Frog with two legs jumps two feet."

The he cuts off one more leg and tells the frog to jump.  The frog jumps one foot.  The scientist writes in his book, "Frog with one leg jumps one foot."

So he cuts off the frogs last leg and tells him to jump.  The frog doesn't move so the scientist keeps yelling at the frog to jump but nothing happens.  So the scientist writes in his notebook, "Frog with no legs turns totally deaf."

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"