Freedom of Speech Forum

Come Forth And Multiply · ADMINISTRATOR

Joke on This!

Come Forth And Multiply · ADMINISTRATOR

did you hear about the dyslexic satan worshipper?
he tried to sell his soul to santa.

where do you find a dog with no legs?
where you left it.

Patrick · Established Member

A dude's wife died, so he's totally bummed out, till he finally decides to go to a skyline bar (aka a bar on some high floor in a tall building) He goes in, starts drinking, and he sees that a dude jumps out the window. He turns to the bar tender, and he says "happens all the time." 5 seconds later, he sees that the exact same guy comes into the bar! He says to the bartender, "Didnt that guy just jump out the window?" bar Tender says "yup." The guy walks over to the dude who jumped a second ago and says, "Hey man how did u do that?" The jumper says "Get really drunk, and think of the happiest thing u can think of and you'll fly." The guy walks over to the window, takes one last gulp of scotch, thinks of his dead wife, and jumps.... and falls to his death and dies! Back in the skyline bar the bartender says, "Superman, why are u such a jerk?"

fei7000000 · Family Member

this guys wife had been acting strange so he took her to the doctors. the doctors took blood and when they got the blood work back, called the man. the doctor said to the man "acording to the bloodwork your wife either has aids or alztimers(sp?)" and the man said "well how do i know which one?" so the doc said "tommorrow, feed your wife a good breakfast. then, bundle her up so shes nice and warm and drop her off in the middle of the city. if she comes back, don't fuuck her"

Come Forth And Multiply · ADMINISTRATOR

hahahahahahhaha... that was funny. okay...
   this old couple suffered from alzheimers. they were sitting on the sofa one night watching tv when a commercial came on. the man tells his wife, "i'm going to make some pancakes, you want some?"
    the wife says, "sure. but why don't you write it down so you don't forget what you're going in there for."
   "oh hush, woman. i won't forget... pancakes! pancakes! pancakes! i won't forget!"
   "but you always forget everything," complained the woman. "just write it down, please."
   the man was getting pissed. "i refuse. i have a good memory. i'm going for goddamn pancakes. what can be easier?"
   with that, he stormed into the kitchen and returned 5 minutes later, carrying two ice cream sundaes. he hands one to his wife.
   "dammit!" she complained. "you forgot the whip cream again!"

Nubzor · Family Member

omg...

"where do you find a dog with no legs?
where you left it."

that's amazing LOL.

fei7000000 · Family Member

ok, this is just the best bulliten i've ever gotten on myspace

Okay so a guy is
near the
end of his
senior
year in high school.

Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.

One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.

They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.

As you
might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face
and it tastes like ****!

Post This

1 hour- You'll have bad sex

20 min - Your crush will kiss you

15min - Your crush will tongue you

5-10 min - Your crush will ask you out in the next 2 mins

2 min - You will stay with your
crush forever
repost this as
BEST SEX JOK

jptrilogy · Family Member

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. Examples: the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by teams of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were: Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of: ****tails, highballs and a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the concoction by the name of: Mount & Do.

Thought for the day: There's more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by the year 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

(edit: apparently the word "c*ck", with the "o" gets edited)

-- Edited by jptrilogy at 18:24, 2008-04-19

-- Edited by jptrilogy at 18:25, 2008-04-19

Patrick · Established Member

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home a nd started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."

Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole
story before you interrupt!

Nubzor · Family Member

lmao pat, i thought that was great!

Jas · Family Member

[knock, knock]

Who's there?

[silence]

...Damn kids.

Come Forth And Multiply · ADMINISTRATOR

   It was Paul's anniversary. His wife told him, "Im tired of always getting crappy anniversary gifts from you. This year is going to be different. When I get up tomorrow morning, I want to see something in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in 10 seconds or less."
   So the next morning, Paul's wife goes out to the yard and there in the driveway, is a little box, all giftwrapped. She brings the box into the house and unwraps it. Inside, is a bathroom scale.

   *Paul has been missing since Friday.

Nubzor · Family Member

omfg erik. that is the greatest. LMAO!

ROFL. omfg....

the kalifornia kid · Veteran Member

theres a saying or song that i have herd goes like this: be kind to your web footed friends cuse a duck maybe somebodys mother. question is does that make it a MOTHER DUCKER

Come Forth And Multiply · ADMINISTRATOR

my mom told me this one:

an old lady is in the checkout line at the grocery store. while the cashier is ringing up her goods, the old lady can't keep her eyes off the hot-looking bagboy. she feels herself getting all hot and horny as she's staring at him. the cashier gives the lady her change but the old lady is oblivious. she just keeps staring at the boy. finally, the bagboy asks, "ma'am...... would you like help out to your car?" the lady just ignores his question and says, "i have an itchy pussy." the bagboy says, "look, lady, just point it out. all those japanese cars look alike to me."

Jas · Family Member

You may have heard this one.

So I was sitting in a plane when the pilot came over the intercom and said "we will be taking off in a few minutes". There was a problem because the microphone didn't shut off after that. Then we all heard the pilot say to the co pilot, "I could go for a nice cup of coffee and a blow job". The stewardess ran towards the c0ckpit to tell the pilot that the microphone was still transmitting. As she ran, I yelled out, don't forget the coffee!

-- Edited by Jas at 20:57, 2008-05-09

Come Forth And Multiply · ADMINISTRATOR

CATHOLIC SCHOOL:

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything.... Tutors... Mentors... flash cards... Special Learning Centers... In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.

Instead, he went straight up to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and, to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hide her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary shook his head, no.

"Well then," she replied, "Was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms????? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the "plus" sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Come Forth And Multiply · ADMINISTRATOR

WHEN CUSSING IN CHURCH IS OK:

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this goddamn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, goddamn it! I said I want to join this goddamn church!"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of the situation. The pastor agrees that his secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

There is no goddamn problem,you goddamn idiot," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the goddamn lottery and I want to join this goddamn church to get rid of some of this goddamn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this fuking bitch giving you a hard time?"

Jas · Family Member

HAHAHAH I like the math one...told it to my folks and they told it at work :D

Here's one for "yalls"....

What did the egg say before it was dropped into boiling water?

Answer: It'll take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid last night

HAW HAW!

Jas · Family Member

A priest and a raabi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says....

..."What is this, a *beep* joke?"